Just Come Already…

Since my last post, I’ve been feeling extremely on edge.  Very fidgety.  Very anxious.  I’ve had more irrational thoughts of death or injury or other types of impending doom.  I feel tense and have pain in my back and tightness in my chest and throat.  It comes and goes throughout the day.  I have to stay busy to keep my mind clear, which usually results in me not spending as much quality time with my daughter as I should.  The anxiety is interfering with my ability to care for my daughter to a certain extent.  Don’t get me wrong, I feed her, change her, nurse her, hug her, and play with her, but when I start feeling jumpy, I put her in her walker or bouncer and just start pacing.

I’ve been feeling like I do before I get hit with a panic attack…only there’s no panic attack.  I’m not quite sure why.  Maybe it’s the Zoloft keeping it at bay.  If that’s the case, maybe it could step up its game and mellow the thoughts racing through my head?  Calm my nerves a little?  Or is that too much to ask?  Maybe my restlessness and trying to keep myself from thinking about things is keeping the attack away.

There are many things contributing to this right now.  Our coming move to Korea, my doctor not getting back to me on my exercise stress test from Wednesday…you name it.  One thing that was bringing a lot of anxiety was my daughter’s lead and iron levels a couple of months ago.  I didn’t know a lot of the houses here in New York have lead dust problems because they’re so old.  Our apartment is 100 years old.  After her last reading (a 4.5, and NY doesn’t like it at 5 or higher), I was told to dust and wet Swiffer the floors two to three times per week.  I did it every other day.  Every day at first.  Well, she had her follow-up on Wednesday, and her iron and lead levels were great.  Her iron was a good healthy level, and her lead was down to the lowest possible reading.  EXCELLENT!  So now I don’t have to stress about whether all that cleaning is doing anything.  What I’d REALLY like, though, is for the doctor to call me with full results from the stress test.  The person conducting the test said everything looked normal and that I had “great blood pressure” and “great heart rate” throughout the entire test.  So, that’s good.  But anything else had to be analyzed and sent to my doctor.  It was supposed to be done Thursday afternoon.  Ugh!  This is the one thing that I keep getting paranoid about!  And I KNOW it’s because I felt chest pain during my first panic attack (that I didn’t know was a panic attack at the time), but it would be nice to be able to just ease my mind once and for all.

So, I’ve been feeling like a caged animal for the last couple of days.  And my body feels like it’s preparing for an attack, but the attack just isn’t coming.  And for the first time, I WANT the attack to come on.  I WANT it to happen.  Panic attacks are terrifying, BUT…the sooner I can face them, the sooner I can begin to overcome them.  To face my fear.  To prove to myself that I’m not dying…that it’s just a panic attack.  Of course, I’m terrified…but I need to be able to work through them.  After feeling all evening yesterday I’d be having one, after feeling what I thought was for sure an attack coming on during dinner (again), it passed.  But left with me still feeling restless.  I felt this way until it was time for bed.  I ended up taking an Ativan before bed because the LAST thing I want is to wake up from a deep sleep next to my daughter having a panic attack and think I’m dying all over again.  Bring it to me during the day…

C’mon…if you’re going to come, then come.  I’m ready to face you.  I’m ready to confront my fear.  You’re just annoying me now.  C’mon already, Panic.

Edit: I received a call from my doctor after hours regarding my stress test. As expected, everything came back normal. Just another check box for the list of anxiety/panic disorder symptoms.

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