Well, here we are in Phoenix and moved into our new apartment. Ok…maybe not MOVED in (our stuff is currently somewhere over the Pacific in transit). But we are here, and we have a roof over our heads. Here we are smack in the middle of the civilian sector. After 12 years either serving in or working for the Air Force, this is new terrain for us. A new yet old experience. I think it’s hard for us both to remember far enough back to fully remember what it’s like having “normal” jobs. But it seems to be a good fit for us so far. I know both of us will miss the Air Force lifestyle and the constant moving around. I have no doubt that both of us will experience a touch of wanderlust in about two to three years. And who knows…there could come an opportunity in that time for us to relocate for bigger jobs. Who knows what will fall into our laps when we work for it.
So…while my husband is busy working at his new job at Channel 12 here in Phoenix, I’m “busy” taking a break from the chaos of Marketing and gathering myself back together. I’ll be staying home and being a “temporary housewife” for the next few months so I can recover from burning the candle at both ends. I’m also using the break as an opportunity to focus on areas of my life and my self that need improving, but I never made time for because I was too worried and preoccupied with my professional self.
I’m taking another class with Francesca De Grandis (my teacher whom I have written about on several occasions here). I’ve only been in two classes this session, but I am already feeling the effects. It’s amazing how much self-reflection you can do when you don’t have to focus on deadlines, orders, surveys, and all the other things that happen behind the curtains in Marketing. Honestly, the self-reflection began several months ago, but I always pushed it aside because I felt that my career took priority, that it defined me. I worked so hard to reach my goals, I completely put the rest of myself on hold. What a HUGE mistake. The fact I was so preoccupied with that speaks volumes on its own. I completely sacrificed my spiritual and inner self for my career self. *sigh* Why do we do this?
Anyhow…on to my biggest moment of self-reflection thus far. I’m going to come back to sacrificing spiritual and inner self to career at a later time. It’s something I’m still mulling around in my head.
During our first class last week, I had an epiphany. (Don’t expect me to share what we were talking about specifically. It’s not going to happen. I am simply going to relate MY thoughts). I made a comment about being afraid of happiness. I don’t know why that specific thought decided to come into my mind at that precise moment, but there it was. I think I dumbfounded myself. I thought about it for a moment in class, then brought myself back to what was being said by Francesca and my fellow students. But the thought sat in the back of my mind for the remainder of class. I jotted my thought down on my tablet so I could remember the precise phrase that came to mind (I have it written down still, and I’ll share it at some point, but I forgot to bring my notepad with me on my way to write this). My thought was this: I am afraid of happiness not in the sense that I am afraid of it in general…I am afraid of screwing it up.
I grew up in a manner that was difficult and challenging. I don’t regret it. I don’t judge it. I am thankful for it. After all, if I didn’t have the childhood I had, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I love the woman I am today. BUT…the manner in which I grew up required perseverance, hard work, independence at an early age. CONTROL of the things around me…of my life. And that is what this fear boils down to. I am afraid to CEDE control in my life. Yes, when I was younger, I was VERY afraid of what happiness was because I didn’t truly KNOW it. There was always turmoil. There was always a fight to be had (whether for survival, with a person, etc.). NOTHING came easily (not that it always should). As I became older and I worked for the people and things in my life, I did become more comfortable and accepting of “happiness.” I realized that not everything had to be fought for. That sometimes you can just go with the flow and just BE HAPPY. But that whole part of ceding control would bother me to no end. I AM a control freak. No so much regarding others…but regarding ME and MY life. I CONTROL MY OWN FATE! And I do very much believe that is true…that I control my own fate. But…BUT…don’t we sometimes need to cede control in order to gain a better view of the bigger picture? Putting control into the hands of someone other than myself is my weakness. In many cases. Not always. But I find that my unwillingness to just throw my hands to the wind and say, “OK!! IT’S OUT OF MY CONTROL!!! DO YOUR THING GODDESS!” hinders me. It hinders my progress. It hinders my ability to perceive. To listen. To speak. To fully…BE. It also hinders me in other facets of life. It hinders my profession. It hinders the full potential of my marriage. It hinders my relationship with people. With other living things. It is a block. A big, huge, massive, concrete, ugly block. It is a block I NEED to get rid of. To wash away. And it’s something that is sooooo engrained in me, so much of a part of my psyche that the very thought of cleansing this block terrifies me. Again, the control. You see the pattern here? Despite knowing that I could reach a level of enlightenment and inner peace and bringing myself closer to myself and to deity, I am still stubborn and don’t want to give away my control. How frustrated I am with myself. And this is precisely why this block needs to be washed away. Control is good. The extent of the control I wish to have over my own life is unhealthy.
So, this is where I am. I have been sitting on the fence for a few months, and now I am ready to take the plunge. Am I still scared? Yup! But if I don’t take that plunge, I will continue hurting myself. The next few months are going to be difficult, but they are also going to be liberating and beautiful. This has been in the making for a long time. Now it is time. I pray that I can cede control yet maintain control. I pray for a balance that is needed in myself and in my universe.